“Anything is possible”
Is anything really possible?
The lost girl
I used to be such a dreamer. I believed in everything. Call it, magic, miracle, prince charming in a white horse, happily ever after, love at first sight, anything else you name it. All the positive things in life, I saw it, I believed in it, and for some reason I was convinced that I would be happy forever. I was literally a dreamer in every way. But then I grew up, become an adult, and all of the things I used to believe in just faded away.
I became this boring adult that I used to tell myself that I will never be. It feels like I’m trapped in this ‘adult’ life where I need to do certain things to fulfilled the definition of a responsible adult. Get a job, work, pay bills, pay rent, pay taxes, be responsible. In translation, you can read it as ‘don’t follow your dreams, it’s too risky, you’ll fail and end up wasting your time, and you can’t waste time because if you do, you can’t pay your bills or your taxes, and you’ll be perceived as an un-responsible adult’. Tragic right. I grew up looking at this adults and kept telling myself that I won’t be like them, & I ended up being just like them.
Not to mention that the happily ever after no longer exists. Or it never existed in the first place. I mean when I was a kid I love fairytales stories, I believed in it. But I guess that fairytales stories are missing lots of details. Such as, you can’t marry someone you just met, or your fairy god mother can’t save you in the middle of the night when you cry, or mouses don’t actually talk, or sleeping curse can’t be broken with a kiss, or magic carpet doesn’t really exists, we don’t even know if mermaid ever existed. See what I mean? All of it was just imaginations. A good one though. I remember how happy I was having all of that spirit. I remember how much I believed in it. I believed in the possibility of the impossible. & that of course lasts until I became this boring sad grumpy person that I don’t even recognise anymore.
The worst part is, I didn’t even realise that I have changed, completely change. My little me would be upset to see me right now. Not because I have a bad life, because I don’t. My life, in paper, is great. But on the inside, I’m not. I doubt myself a lot, I lost faith in myself, I don’t believe in the possibility of the impossible, worst of all, I don’t believe in myself anymore. I also lost faith in people, in life, in things. I became very unemotional. My logic came first in everything. It’s almost like I don’t have a heart anymore. I know it sounds very depressing but I’m not depressed (at least I don’t think I am). I just feel like I lost that little girl within me. That strong spirits I used to have. I was never afraid to take risks, I was always the first person to say ‘I can do it, and I will!’, I was always have faith in me, in people, in fairytales. It’s like I almost forgot how it feels like to be that girl, it feels like she has gone, for a very long time, and maybe forever.
Me the ordinary
Recently I’ve been thinking to myself, why do I became like this. Maybe I just grew up and believing in all those things I used to believe in is just too childish. But is it though? I still see many people living their dream life, people that believe in magic, in the possibility of the impossible. I see this people and I recognise them, of course I do, because it was me, it was me years ago, it was that lost girl I’ve been trying to find, that I don’t even know if I could ever find her again or not. Here is the thing, all of this people that I mentioned are living their dream life, they are not the people I see in everyday life. These are people I see online, through social media, tv, websites, etc. I see them and I think they’re living such an amazing life, they seem very happy, they know what they’re doing with their life, and they’re sure of their path of life. But I don’t see them in everyday life, so they seem very distant from me. It feels like there is a barricade in between ‘these people that living their amazing life’ and ‘me’. Me the ordinary.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m supposed to be an influencer. But how can I still be an influencer when I can’t even influence myself to believe in me? I started to be an influencer in a young age, when I still believed in all of this things. That lost girl was the influencer, not me, not the person that I am today. I’ve been avoiding my website, my blog, my social media, because I’m scared. I’m scared with the fact that I have changed to become the person that doesn’t fit with the definition of an influencer anymore. & that’s sad because I remember how much I was very passionate about it, how much lights I had within me, how much positivity I had, and how optimist I was. Now, I can’t even stop doubting myself.
It’s not like I’m very upset or anything like that cause I’m not. I’m actually good, and content with my life. But I guess that what makes me feel ordinary in a way that I don’t really feel like I’m living. I live a life but I don’t feel alive. & when I want to try to feel alive again, my ordinary me would remain me how dangerous it is to risks everything I have to only make me ‘feel alive’. It sounds weird saying it but I guess that’s the best way to explain it. It’s like I no longer take risks to feel alive, because, I guess because I don’t believe in it anymore, or because I’m scared to take the risks. The risks, the uncertainty, the possibility of facing unbearable pain, the waste of time, the waste of energy, the waste of money, the way I would be perceived in the society, and most of all, scared to fail, the fear of failure. All of these are the costs I need to pay in order to feel alive, and somehow, the ordinary me either can’t or don’t want to pay for it, I can’t really figure it out.
So, is it too naive to be a dreamer, to have faith, to believe in magic?
I really would like to say it is not too naive to be a dreamer, to have faith, or to believe in magic. & I guess it’s not about being too naive or not, because nothing is wrong with being too naive. I truly want to be that person again, the girl that believe in everything. & I’m saying this because I want everyone to believe in it. It’s the only way that you could truly thrive to be the best version of you, to be who you are, to be who you are meant to be. You would never find your life purpose if you’re not willing to take the risks, if you’re not willing to be naive and believe in magic, and not afraid or feel a shame to be a dreamer. It is our ego that often gets in a way of our happiness. Our ego that thinks we are too mature to be a dreamer, too proud to have faith, too arrogant to believe in magic. Our ego makes us think we can do everything by ourselves, and when things go wrong, our ego blames us, makes us feel trapped, and makes us believe that we are a failure, that we are not good enough, makes us doubt ourselves. & makes us too proud to ask for help, too proud to believe in the possibility of the impossible. Because our ego creates this pendulum in our head that we have to be this certain figure, that we have to impress the society by being the figure they would like us to be. & in many cases, this figure is very much in contradicted with who we truly are, with who we want to be, with our dreams. & we always listen to our ego because it’s safe, it’s easier, and it’s not difficult to stay with what already written. But it’s only by taking risks, challenging the status quo, doing the impossible, writing the unwritten path, that we can only truly live, that we can truly be the best version of ourselves, and that we can truly feel the happiest we could ever be. So it doesn’t matter whether it is too naive to be a dreamer or not, because the only thing that cares whether or not it’s naive is our ego, what matter is that only by being a dreamer that we could truly live our lives to the fullest.
But it’s only by taking risks, challenging the status quo, doing the impossible, writing the unwritten path, that we can only truly live, that we can only thrive to be the best version of ourselves
Little note you guys, I’m writing this on Friday night at 2.00 am in the morning so I apologies if some of the things I said doesn’t really make sense. Thank you for reading this blog post, for checking the website, & for being interested in this topic.